the Black and White cookie

Thirteen Things I am Afraid of………….

1. That what Barack Obama said on page three of Audacity of Hope is correct, “…every man is trying to either live up to his father’s expectations or make up for his father’s mistakes.”
2. That happiness is not at the bottom of that jar/box/bowl of [insert any carb-food type HERE].
3. That I do not fit in at my new job.
4. They will eventually stop rerunning Seinfeld
5. Having to go through debit/credit card or check theft/fraud again - that’s a real pain. And here I used to tell my mom, “don’t worry, you’re not rich enough to steal from.” Guess I was off base on that one, huh?
6. Having to dance or sing in public, unless pathetically drunk.
7. I am going to start to talk funny working with all these Southerners.
8. Aerosmith might break up, or die.
9. The Re’pubs will freeze Guiliani out, if I need to see one of them in the WH it’s Rudy.
10.What would I do if I didn’t teach?  (and sometimes I think about not teaching)
11. Not getting pregnant.
12. Money, I always worry about money, no matter how much or how little there is.
13. That my friend is going through something really scary and I cannot/ don’t know how to help him.

Thirteen Things essential to the Holidays:

1. Time Off
2. Food
3. Seeing Friends/Family
4. Decorations
5. Movies
6. Food
7. Shopping
8. Sleeping Late
9. Holiday Music
10. TV Specials
11. Food
12. Surprise Gifts
13. Food

Seinfeld “The Gum“

I had missed having a corporate party to go to, the outfit, the nice meal, the usual.  This Christmas party promised to be special because it was at the Gerogia Aquarium.  Among the handouts at the door was this:

So, we left our fishing poles in the car, but were obviously disappointed.  In spite of the early disappointment the evening turned out great.  My personal highlight was meeting a mom that just two weeks earlier had tried giving me a hard time about her kids, she was sloshed and spilled her pork on my exposed toes.  I would have liked to tak it one step further and demand an apology since I was Jewish (except I’m not of course), but the husbands intervened and I am just left with lotsa HAND….(The Pez Dispenser):

George: No everything is *not* going good. I’m very uncomfortable. I have

no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in

my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand– no hand at

all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand…

George: How do I get the hand?

Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the

hand right from the opening.

It was hardly a “black and white cookie” moment when Michael Richards (the K-Man) responded to an audience member as N.  He didn’t just do it once either, he kept going back to that word.  Some comedians use that word routinely in their routines - I am watching Dave Chapelle as I type - but when it is used to demeane versus in some (perverse) brotherhood it shows no taste . . . .

I do not use that word.  Partially because I am white. I feel if I use it I will be viewed as racist; I would feel racist.  I have read books outloud to students and just say the letter “N.”  I thikn there is no problem letting students read about the use of that word in good children’s literature because it can illustrate the dangers that can accompany that vile word.

I have no idea how Michael Richards really feels.  The mantra of those caught in this unkind limelight often chime in “I’m not a racist. That’s what’s so insane about this,” as he stated on Letterman later that week.  He really didn’t attempt to apologize until it became a big stink though.  And Hey!  Isn’t just using that word in hate racist?

K-man, no black and white cookie for you!

JERRY: You faked it? ELAINE: I faked it. JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? ELAINE: Not bad huh? JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.

Thirteen Things I Have FAKED 1. Interest in any meeting after twenty minutes 2. My way through many a song on the radio 3. My way out of ONE HS English paper - and I have felt guilty ever since 4. Speeches - the key to pretend you mean every word you say - even the ones you make up 5. Substitute plans, but I always felt this was an art form….. 6. Excuses on why the utility company should turn my electricity/gas/phone back on, but not for years now 7. I have faked my way through book discussions for education classes, at least I usually read them in the end 8. I have used bibliographies to find other sources for college papers 9. …that I ‘have just moved to the area” when I get pulled over or (still) have to ask for directions 10. that “I haven’t seen this Law & Order” so DH does change the channel 11. my way through some HTML when I am feeling very brave and have a lot of time 12. Concern over phony baloney parents’ excuses on how they can’t be expected to help their own kids 13. I wouldn’t get fake boobs, but I would get them realigned

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ELAINE: All right, let’s go, I give you half an hour. JERRY: What? ELAINE: Come on! JERRY: Are you serious? ELAINE: Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship. JERRY: Sex… to save the friendship. Well, if we have to…

Thirteen Things I have GIVEN UP ON 1. Trying to explain the good in the ACLU to some people. (my mom knows what I am talking about here…) 2. Extrinsic Rewards for kids…that does not mean I am not out-voted by collegues….often. I don’t work with Alfie Kohn. 3. Asking my DH to make the bed. 4. Expecting others to be at least as smart as me. 5. Hoping people “get” how important my job is, or at least how much I care about it. 6. Getting my DH to read a book. 7. Applying logic directly to middle school students, or humans. 8. Expecting technology people at my work to be even 1/10 as useful as technology people anywhere else on the planet. 9. Grammatical Issues, including: went/gone, using ‘they’ when the pronoun should be singular, and I/me (I was a mess over #4 & #5, please take out your red pen if you must). 10.My in-laws ends sentences in “with.” I am slowly going insane from this…..”Do you want to go with?” 11.Being paid for my efforts. 12.running, “I choose not to run.” The whole world is my Duncan….. 13.It is possible Jerry is talking about me in The Cartoon Episode (although I was not, in fact, Susan Ross’ old college roommate): “Kramer: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh? Jerry: No , It’s Susan Ross’s old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she’s trying to become an actress. Kramer: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!Jerry: Untalented, She’s always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It’s really depressing. Kramer: Euh.. We don’t go to enough theater. Jerry: She should just give up.”Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1

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Found this site dedicated to George Costanza and could not be happier to revisit a recent thought I shared with DH just this Friday.  Being a social recluse is not working and I must always do the opposite of what I want to do when invited somewhere now, I must accept and show up.

“Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat… It’s often wrong.”

- George, in “The Opposite”

Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don’t approach strange women.”

- George, in “The Opposite”

 

“A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it’s all happening because I’m completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I’ve ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion.”

- George in “The Opposite”

Well, it’s simply genius. I plan on working with this theory until adbucted by some lunatic and then I will look for a new plan.

Recently viewed “The Strike” episode (season 9, episode 10; Broadcast date: December 18, 1997) in which Elaine says “I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now” about her quest for the Atomic Sub card.

Of course, I too have eaten a lot of crap, I will share with you my latest cravings that I have turned into ruts:
PB & J.  The only mixing I like is when Gma makes it, otherwise we’re talking Creamy Jiff buttered on one side first, then Smuckers (pref: Sugar Free) Red Raspberry Preserves on the second side of some nice whole wheat bread
Tomato soup and the occassional cheese sandwich.  I don’t say grilled cheese because I was without a stove for the longest time due to remodelling.  If I had a sandwich, I toasted the bread and then put one and one half slices of cheese between the toast, wrapped it in one paper towel and put it in the microwave for 15 seconds.  Not the same, so I haven’t had as many sandwiches as bowls of soup.  For the soup I have a favorite: Campbell’s Select Italian Tomato with Basil & Garlic.  The red peppers were okay, I would like to try the Butternut Squash, but can’t take a chance right now….I am simply addicted…..I purchased 4 boxes at the store today.
I am actually mixing up the cereals: Special K’s Red Berries and Strawberry Delight Frosted MiniWheats.  Before I moved back in with DH I was drinking Silk’s Vanilla Light Soy milk, just regular skim milk now.
My last compulsion that I am currently phasing out is buttered toast.  I would purchase the heaviest whoel grain bread known to man, the brand actually varied based upon availability, and butter the hell out of it.  I tried some light honey butter for a bit, but I kept returning to the heavy stuff.  Well, at least I am over that particular craving.

1. Get Out! (as she pushes you) Elaine, Seinfeld

2. Giddy up! Kramer, Seinfeld

3. (any of) Lennie Briscoe’s wise cracks, Law & Order

4. “Who is this?” Jerry asks when his friends call him in a manic state, Seinfeld

5. Master of my/your domain, Seinfeld

6. “…we need to fit a square peg in a round hole.”  Gene Krantz, Apollo 13 (may I recommend his book Failure is not an Option - excellent read!)

7. “ProLife?  You ever notice how some people’s concern for life stops at birth?  They want those babies to come out & then they don’t give a damn what happens to them” Anita VanBuren (S. Empatha Merkerson) Law & Order’s Progeny episode from 1995.

8. “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” The Princess Bride, 1987.  Sometimes varied by the DH with, “My name is Hector Juan Montoya…”  …no one knows why he says that……

9. “Heeeyy” The Fonze, before he jumped the shark.

10. “…the jimmy leg” Kramer,Seinfeld

11. “Hello Newman” Jerry “Hello Jerry” Newman

12. “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” George, Seinfeld

13. “Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!”
“It’s impossible!”
“Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!”
“It can’t be.”
“Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?”
“Alright, that’s enough.”
“Yaaaaaaahhh!!!”
- Jerry and Kramer, in “The Stall”

My DH drove back to Michigan from Georgia .Friday.  Somehow we got talking about recycling/returning pop cans  and he said he just throws them away down there, but right now he has a big bag of cans.  He actually rented a huge rental to drive back, a Grand Marquee (sp?), but didn't think to try this scam…….it is honestly such an embarassment that he 'forgot' about this.  I imagine as time goes by and we get further and further from the original air dates, with Friday mornings spent disectiong the lessons of Seinfeld, these things are going to happen, *sigh.*

Seinfeld, The Bottle Deposit:

"NEWMAN: (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?

KRAMER: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.

NEWMAN: Ten cents!?

KRAMER: Yeah.

NEWMAN: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents

there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the

difference.

KRAMER: No, it doesn't work.

NEWMAN: What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles

together…

KRAMER: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on

gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.

JERRY: (re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit

bottle scam again, are you?"